OPINION: St. Pete Needs Another Hurricane

Citizens of St. Petersburg, this is Siegfried Rolando reporting on behalf of St. Pete Razing News.

As a serious journalist, I’ve spent years on the ground reporting hard-hitting news in the Tampa Bay area. While residents remain deeply divided over most issues like affordability and human rights, there is one thing I can say with certainty: everyone in St. Pete desperately wants another hurricane.

You can feel the tension in the air. It’s almost sexual.

The moment a storm enters the Gulf, everyone becomes an expert. Spaghetti models start appearing on Facebook. Group chats come alive. People claim they’re just being cautious, but you and I know what’s really going on. They’re excited and can barely contain their enthusiasm.

Naturally, different people have different reasons for their excitement. Most residents are just looking forward to beer bongs and bad decisions.

Meanwhile, developers understand that transformational growth sometimes requires transformational weather. As students of the Red Apple Playbook know, this market occasionally needs a little push.

Conversely, others hope a couple of devastating storms might encourage recent arrivals to explore opportunities elsewhere.

As for me, I support hurricanes for purely selfless and journalistic reasons.

Hurricane Helene had its moments. Milton showed flashes of greatness. But neither storm truly delivered the level of visible destruction that I had hoped for.

As a serious journalist, I believe St. Petersburg deserves a storm worthy of comprehensive coverage. The kind of storm where serious journalists, like myself, stand heroically in sideways rain. The kind of storm where local reporting makes national headlines. The kind of storm where I look absolutely bitchin on camera.

Of course, a storm of this magnitude doesn’t simply happen on its own. It requires planning and leadership.

That’s why I am respectfully asking local weather gatekeeper Denis Phillips to direct a major named storm toward the area sometime during the upcoming season. I understand these decisions are complicated and involve numerous oceanic and atmospheric considerations.

We’re reasonable people and recognize these things take time, but the community demands action.

If Denis is unable to help, we are willing to accept assistance from Mike’s Weather Page, who, to his credit, has been a longtime supporter of cataclysmic natural disasters.

While I trust their professional judgment, residents interviewed for this column have already expressed a strong preference for a Category 4 or greater storm to make landfall somewhere near Pinellas Point.

Our St. Pete Razing investigative team is ready. The people have already spoken. The opportunity is here. The time is now.

Let’s make this happen, Tampa Bay.

I’m Siegfried Rolando — St. Pete Razing News.